Suicidal Mind Vol. 9

Suicidal Mind Vol. 9

My day today is full of pain. I cancelled my plan to buy a sewing machine because of my mother’s other plan. Plan to depend on my sister to give us money to buy it. My plan was to buy even a portable sewing machine to sew underwear for personal use but she don’t support me on my plan. She will support me if I will buy a sewing machine for business. I felt like she have a very low dream for me. She want to buy a high speed sewing machine just like the sewing machine of my neighbors that she hates (so she’s like she envy her) and she want me to sew rugs or pot holder but my dream is to sew underwears and shirts and bags. I will be satisfied in a cheap and portable multifunction sewing machine. I don’t care about the high speed. About the money, the sewing machine that I’d like to buy from lazada is worth 1,300 pesos and she want to buy the high speed sewing machine worth 7,500 pesos. She want to buy it but the money will come from my sister. I know my sister very well than her (she is the mother) so she must know her better than me. I know my sister will not say yes because it’s a big amount. Seriously, we can buy a high speed machine if we will use the money from our room for rent. We are about to collect 3 payments this month and each payment is 1,500 so we will have 4,500 plus the money that I earned worth 1,500. I don’t want to buy a machine like our neighbor’s. I hate her ideas, her plans and all. We always argue and I always feel negativities from her. She’s selfish. I told her not to depend on my sister because I am sure that she have a problem with money too. And my mother is always like my sister will always say yes to her but she always says no. She’s so confident without thinking her. Depend.. depend.. depend.. I hate it.

When I was young, I don’t like telling her about my plans and wants but when I tried to open up, I always fail to get her support and trust. Now, I want to go back to what I was to her. I don’t want to open up again. Besides, she never understood me. And I will never understand her. Sometimes, I try to tell her what she’s acting and living like and she never listened. She always reacts negatively.

I’ve been crying for almost two hours because I feel like I’m gonna give up my dreams again. Frankly, I already learned how to set up and use the sewing machine. In just 3 days I already memorized how to use it because of youtube. She said last week that how can I sew if I never studied to sew in school? And I said through the internet nothing is impossible. I never had a sewing machine in my entire life. In just 3 days I already mastered how to set up and sew. But in just one negative conversation, everything seems falling apart again. Because it was part of my desires years many years ago. Every time I see a sewing machine in a shop or store, I looks at it longer and I always feel something in the machine. But often say to myself, it will never come into my reality.

For every tear that running down from my eyes to my lips I taste and enjoy the pain. The pain of being alone. If I will get everything that I wanted I will be more selfish. So sometimes I accept the failures and hopeless as I deserved it.

Written April 11, 2018. 7pm

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