Suicidal Mind Vol. 8

Suicidal Mind Vol. 8

Deleted thousand of old and new files on my phone. I kept them because I needed them to feed my mind to survive every single day. In the end, I have regret because I wasted my time and missed a lot of chances. But life will offer more opportunities as long as I’m alive.

What hurts me every single day is that, this is not me. The reason why I can’t live my inner self is also because of my own self, my self-consciousness. I imprisoned myself. I know how to be free but I can’t choose it because of myself, because of people.

I’ve been thinking to buy a sewing machine make my dreams come true. It will help me grow and earn stable income and it will help, I guess. I hope so. Because I want to experience my birthday with my heart filled of hope and joy because if it’s not my heart will always be the same. Hopeless. Empty. Lost. Dying.

God is always good to me. His love is in every individuals I’ve met. I’ve seen many hearts. But I don’t understand my heart anymore. Good memories shattered. My thoughts are out of control. And the only reason why I know is I have no final decision. I chose both life and death. I live in the same in the direction, which is wrong. But I have no choice, I am so alone in my pain. I’m alone in my dreams. No one can hold me like I want to hold someone feel the same way like mine.

Though it’s really hard to feel every broken pieces in my heart, though it’s hard to think to live, to fight, to be strong, though I can’t do anything ALONE, I’m still here living in this fragile and useless human body. I’m still here dreaming to be alive. Though sin keeps holding me, I don’t stop myself to call unto the one I trusted the most, Jesus. I’m not religious, I’m not a christian, I’m nobody and I am nothing but he is the best someone to me. I never doubted him, because I doubted myself. He is perfect at all times, it’s just me whom he cannot trust.

In my life, everything is just one decision away. I believe in a quote, “If you are not ready to change that means you’re not in enough pain.” Maybe I already had enough pain and didn’t realized it.

To be continued…

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