Today, I have an obligation to do for our business but I want to do it with a numb feeling and only alcohol can give me that.
I’m not really a drinker and I never dreamed to be a drinker. But life gave me a lot of reason to take it and drink it. No matter how wrong or bad for my health.
My eyes are swollen for crying too much last night. I cried because I’m tired of being with the people that I don’t want to be with everyday.
I think I’m gonna die because of them. And it’s so wrong. It will never be right to die because of them or even die for them. I dreamed to die because of the one who created me and for the one who created me.
Today is gonna be a day full of pain for my heart. Physically and emotionally I don’t like it but today I will like it because maybe God made me vulnerable and he had to let all the pain to dwell inside my heart and let the words spill from heart into my thoughts. To become a work of pain. But in any purpose of God for me, I’m not deserving. Painful or not painful God is perfect. He always know the best for the best. I wish I could always focus and only look at that one point but It’s never been easy, never been okay for me to do it.
I always have a problem with people and I know the truth that my first enemy is myself and the people around me is my second problem.
Today, I have a feeling of I have to make a plan. Plan I’ll never regret. I need a lot of plan and back up plan.
But again.. it’s not gonna be easy.
*Written March 28, 2018*