Suicidal Mind Vol.4

Suicidal Mind Vol.4

Thanks to God for not giving me financial blessing that will lift my heart today. Because I know and understand that even if he bless me, I won’t glorify him. He can’t use me. Just now, I had a bad thought that one day I might destroy all the things that made me live and happy. Destroy and wait for my last breath. I feel like a year from I’m still here, I’ll be the same again. I don’t know what ask him that will make me feel okay. I can’t find strength.

Tonight, I had a short misunderstanding with my mother about the money that I’m saving every day from our store. I’m earning to fix our store’s window. She have a plan and money came almost four times, but her plan remained a plan. I earn to make my plan happen but she gave negative feelings to me. When I open my plans and desire to her, I only get disappointments¬†and failure. So, from now on, I will close that thing between us.

I’m crying right now and hiding my tears from her. She have no idea what exactly I’m thinking and planning about. I’m thinking to end up, but no, not yet. I need more pain. So I simply asked God to break me more, to give more pain until I’ll be able to cut my wrist or end my pain in any way. I hate this heavy feeling inside of my heart and suicidal thoughts that keeps playing inside of my head.

Don’t get me wrong.. I love her so much. But some door in my heart closing for her. I feel so alone in my plans and in my pain. I have no shoulder to cry on. No hears to listen. No heart to understand..

Right now, my heart is beating abnormally, again..

If I have no desire to live, if I never knew anything about God, I would be one of those suicidal people who are in statistic now of people died in suicide.

My last message for Jesus for tonight, “You are Worthy. THANK YOU.”

*Sharing my suicide thoughts is just my way of letting ‘someone who is a suicidal too’ know that she’s not alone. I’m not encouraging anyone to commit suicide. I write on my own way, own words, own thoughts and own pain. Maybe not the people surrounds or the people from your family in blood don’t understand you but somewhere, somehow, someone will care for you, will understand you, will accept you and uplift you. I just want to write my pain. I may not have or will never ever have rewards or benefits on everything I do but someone will have and that may be you. I hope the benefit that you get from my blog is strength, or peace or comfort.*