Among all beautiful and eye-catching titles or topics, I chose ‘Suicidal Mind’ because that is what I have and that is where I am fully related.
Today, I want to fill this content differently from my previous posts of suicidal mind. I don’t want to fill this post of pain but blessings and compliment. I’m blessed to hear God’s words. I’m blessed to hear wisdom. I’m blessed to know that this day came for me to know that someone will appreciate my works more than I can do.
The best part of what my ‘suicidal mind’ learned today is the power of words. Well, I already knew that before but each new lessons makes me appreciate more good and true things about words and wisdom. Words can hurt or heal. I’m not a perfect person so I admit I also hurt people with my words. No matter how my mind tells me that I’m right to be angry, my heart beats abnormally because it knows that something is wrong.
So, in my writing, I use words as my way of escape and simply healing wounds, through my experiences and pain. It’s my way of telling you that you are not alone. You’re not the only weak, sensitive, suicidal, alone with or without your family. You’re not the only one who wished to die now just to end your pain and leave the people who are always there for you but never cared about how you feel, how sensitive or fragile or weak you are.
Pain, is very poisonous for me. Pain hurts me so much that’s why I’m enjoying and willing to listen to videos of a preacher. It’s been a week. I’m not scared nor afraid of death. My human nature may react and shows fear of death but not my spirit. My spirit knows and understand who I shall I fear, and that is God alone.
My mind can’t absorb his words but it leaves marks and foot prints in my heart.
I’m the kind of person who is lack of wisdom, knowledge and guidance. One of the things I learned today is what you first learned is so hard to replace. It’s hard for me change all the habits that I’m used to.
Praying, acknowledge God in everything, in everyday, is one of the lesson I learned too. Sin or mistakes can’t stop me to call unto him because it’s the only ‘right’ I can do for myself. To thank him, for every breath that I breathe, for every ‘single’ and ‘little’ things I received each day but worth than ‘nothing’, for every touch in my soul, for every news for my spirit, for every pain that I deserve, for every gift, to say sorry, to pray for all the people who never thought about my feelings and weaknesses, trusting God, talking to God, listening about God, about his true essence, about the invitation I rejected for so many times, about the truth that I never thought was meant for me, are the most beautiful thing I did, in my entire worthless, useless and pointless life.
*Sharing my suicide thoughts is just my way of letting ‘someone who is a suicidal too’ know that she’s not alone. I’m not encouraging anyone to commit suicide. I write on my own way, own words, own thoughts and own pain. Maybe not the people surrounds or the people you of your family in blood understand you but somewhere, somehow, someone will care for you, will understand you, will accept you and uplift you. I just want to write my pain. I may not have or will never ever have rewards or benefits on everything I do but someone will have and that may be you. I hope the benefit that you get from my blog is strength, or peace or comfort.*