Each failure makes me feel like I am a failure. Whatever good thoughts that comes in my head, I believe it’s true, that I’m a failure.
Plans disappeared in my head and I feels so hopeless now. I felt every tear comes out in my eyes and flows down in my face. Even the pain in my heart. It made me feel like, I failed from the start. I’m cursed to be a failure. So, now, I don’t have a plan. I thanked God for everything that he gave me. I don’t know how to explain what exactly I felt during those times that I acknowledged him all of my plans, desires, ideas, wants and needs that made me feel different. I prayed many times. Within few days, praying before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning felt like I’m doing a spiritual routine. Praying for everything and for every one, even for your enemies’ safety and blessings made me feel good every single day. Now, I cried like there’s something wrong inside of me, someone is screaming, someone wants to die, someone wants to quit. My suicide thoughts are back again. Lately, there’s no pain and I felt sinful. Now, I feel so much pain, regret and failures in many things I tried.
As a self-punishment I want to eat all of my failures. and I deserve this.
I can’t blame God about this but I can blame myself. No matter what problems I have, no how painful it is, at the end of the day, I want to thank him. For all the good things, for all the priceless gifts, for all the unexplainable feelings, for all the blessings, big or small, I don’t deserve them all.
*Sharing my suicide thoughts is just my way of letting ‘someone who is a suicidal too’ know that she’s not alone. I’m not encouraging anyone to commit suicide. I write on my own way, own words, own thoughts and own pain. Maybe not the people surrounds or the people from your family in blood don’t understand you but somewhere, somehow, someone will care for you, will understand you, will accept you and uplift you. I just want to write my pain. I may not have or will never ever have rewards or benefits on everything I do but someone will have and that may be you. I hope the benefit that you get from my blog is strength, or peace or comfort.*