Everyday is a challenge for me if I will live or not. Waking up every single day doesn’t mean I’m waking up alive. I’m dead as dead in the eyes of God. That’s the truth I know. And that’s what I always feel to myself.
My cold and cough have been one week and a half, I tried lagundi but my cough got worse, it makes my lungs itchy. So I tried Tuseran forte and neozep just to make sure I’ll be fine soon to continue my work out plan and etc. I also tried lemon water for my lungs. I really love it. Now it lessen my cough and removed my itchiness.
Right now, all I have are goals and desperation. I also have dreams but I don’t have the courage to make them come true or fight to get them. All I have is a fragile heart and a messy mind and a half alive soul. I don’t know how to use all I have. I feel so crazy sometimes thinking what I have but I can’t use them. Sometimes I feel like I’m lucky but having the courage is my problem. Sometimes I wish I never have them because there are many deserving out there than me. Sometimes I wonder why I have what I don’t want and I don’t have what I need? I think I am a complicated person. I always try to make things easy but life is getting harder. I don’t know what I’m trying to live for.. I don’t know what exactly my reason why I’m still here. Seeing my mother getting old with me and getting sick It’s additional pain for me. Wanting to end up my life is hurting myself when I think about her needs. Every night before I go to sleep I can’t let myself sleep without touching her and telling her to wake me up in case she needs me. And I always push myself to do the tasks in our house no matter how much I want to quit living. She’s part of the life that I want. I guess I can’t live without her. And no matter how crazy I am or complicated I am to be with she always makes me feel I’m worthy to be loved. I can’t love her how much she loved me. Her love is greater than me.
My playlist for today:
Letting Go by Jason Crabb
None But Jesus
Bear Brand Cereal and Water
Watching Petmalu Lodi, Miss Q & A and Tawag ng Tanghalan in It’s Showtime
To make Keso Ice Cream tomorrow. Hand mixer and recipes are ready.
Space on our freezer for my ice cream
Privacy and Income
Sick but excited.
No matter what happened this day I’m still okay. Okay as waiting patiently. I trust that God has his own timing for everything. Sometimes I can’t trust his schedule. I have no choice but to understand him but in the end, he is right. But sometimes pain blurs our understanding on things we must understand well. I’m waiting patiently to make my plans done. I believe that I can’t be successful because of my weaknesses and broken pieces within myself but I believe more that nothing can happen without God’s permission. Having this thoughts makes me think balanced about everything. I’m doing everything smoothly and slowly but I do hope everyday that, my time will come to show off my beautiful colors.
That’s all for today…
May God bless all of us.