I always thought like I am the problem and not the people around me. I always want to agree to my thought because it’s true. I’m so sensitive and weak.
Lately I listened to one of the video of preaching of a pastor. He said that our mind is battlefield. What enters in our mind will become our thoughts and will come out in our lives, in our mouth and in our actions. Which are true. So we should guard our thoughts. I honestly don’t trust my thoughts, positive or negative. Because, sometimes, well not just sometimes but all the time, I embrace it. All the times I believe more to my thoughts than to what I feel.
He also said pain signals that there’s something wrong and we must correct it or solve it. He said that we have to analyze the pain and face it. Face your pain. When we suffer because of good and goodness, accept it and find joy in your pain. Pain can come from good and being godly. But I’m not godly so I guess I’m suffering the pain that caused of my sins and mistakes. I feel something good inside of me when I hear a very good preaching or speech that touches my soul and spirit but I always stick to what I feel, pain. I’m always like, “Yes, your right but I can’t live what you said”. Sometimes I wonder why I have to hear those words when it’s not gonna work for me? Why it has to touch my soul when my heart can’t follow it? Why it has to bother my mind when it’s hard for me to change my mindset?
Changing everything is hard. Changing step by step is hard too. So, I guess it’s true that I am the problem. This pain is a gift from God. Having this thought that I am the problem is also a gift from God. Having this feeling that I don’t deserve to live is also a gift from God and a blessing everyday. It makes me feel human, a crazy human being with a suicidal mind that kills me countless times. a crazy human being with a fragile heart that filled with the desire to become someone seems I’ll never become. I am the problem.