I grew up with this belief that nothing will happen without your permission. Which I know and believed that it’s forever true. I write this to tell you what I’m feeling and planning right now. I’m writing to you to ask for permission. I know that you can always allow me to live but not like this. I think it’s not you who’s blocking my way to live but myself. I want to live, please don’t block my way. This past few days my life became more useless and pointless. I feel like I live while dreaming. I dream the life that I’ll never have, I dream someone I’ll never become. If there’s one thing that blocks my way to live normally is that I hold on to the truth that I am undeserving. I can’t live pretending that I deserve to live and pretend that I have your love for me. But when I think about the people you placed in my life and the people you used for me, I think it’s enough reason for me to believe again that you still love me. Sin set my heart apart from you but my spirit seek you. Forgive me for everything I’ve done, and for everything I’ve never done. I believe you understand me but you will never accept my reasons. I know the truth that you created us to obey you and you’ve given us the freedom to choose to obey you or live in our own way. I also believe that even if we live in our own way with you is still a disobedience. I can’t live the way you want me to, I can’t be the child your heart wanted to be in your presence. I will never be as white as snow, as hot as the sun and alive as the new borned baby. I’m cold as dead, my heart and mind are in the deep and dark sea. I can’t understand myself anymore. I don’t know what exactly what I want for the rest of my life.
I only have one desire for now which I desired from the beginning and that is to live, freely and wholly. I know that this prayer might end, useless, it doesn’t matter. I’m asking for your permission. My heart and mind can change easily but not your heart. There’s nothing I can do to make you love me or proud of me. It’s you alone, I can trust. I can’t give you anything but my trust. I trust that you will allow me to live on my own way.
This past few days, I discovered something amazing about me. And it’s not enough for me but… I am grateful that I have a gift but that gift is still blurred. It’s gift that my mind can’t grasp.
Thank you for giving me this suicidal mind and crushed heart. You made me weak and shameful in their sight and in my own’s. I am guilty to all of my sin. I can’t embrace your forgiveness. Even when I was a little I already knew and believed that I’ll never be in your kingdom because I already knew how undeserving I am. I was deceived but still undeserving. I believe that you’re just waiting for my time and you have no purpose for me. Sorry about that, but that’s what I felt for so many years.
I discovered that when it comes to ‘Pain’ my brain works so well. So as long as pain exist in my heart, It will pay me, or pain will be the reason why I have to end up my own life. I won’t let the pain go through out of my senses without using it. I guess pain is my knowledge and you’ve given me this pain to survive. I want to thank you.
Maybe blogging is not really my thing because I can’t fit myself to other categories but I can write and I love to write. I struggled because I forgot how to write but I held into the feeling of anyone can write that helped me to remember to write.
Writing what you think, understand and learned, is ability
But writing what you feel with all honesty is passion
This is my passion.
You planted this passion inside of me.
Chaos, all the errors and negativities are helpful for my progress.
I want to live on my own way with you. I don’t care if it’s obedience or disobedience for you. I dare to live in hot or cold world. As long as you’re not blocking my way, I will live.